I still remember our chat we have had in our bedroom 1-2 weeks after your come back from the hospital following the surgery and those nasty complication...I remember I did not want to carry on this conversation, as it was making me upset... but you have insisted...so we did talk...You have said that if you die its up to me to decide which way the funeral is going to take place and all the arrangements etc...I said it will be probably old fashioned funeral with burial of the coffin and you were absolutely fine with this...OMG what a conversation between 2 young people... Then we both have tried to turn it into funny direction...I have asked you to visit me from the other side and you agreed. I remember me saying; "please Peter, just don't scare me when you come" and we both have laughed. Then you said you will try...
What has happened some time later when we have lost you...Your mum asked if Peter could be cremated as it is apparently the family tradition, so I agreed. It was scary, traumatic decision for me though, as I have never seen anyone to be cremated. To have own husband cremated and to be involved full time into all the funeral arrangements at age 39....what an extraordinary, sad and overwhelming life experience.... Before your funeral though, the first night following your departure from our home, which you have spent at Dolby's Funeral Directors...you have visited me...Thanks God Matthew was at Siobhan and thanks God I wasn't home alone, as my mother was around (at least once she was there for me when I have needed her!!!...you know exactly what I mean Darling) ....You have visited me ...but you did scare me...Never mind...at least I knew you are still there, still alive somehow, just different then before...Regardless my fear and being so scared, it was a great reassurance to know you are still alive, free and hopefully happier without your human body causing you so much pain and without all the daily struggle and stresses...at work and sometimes at home (you know what I mean Peter)...Me and Matthew think about you daily and you are with us all the time...we seeing you on those photos that are spread around the house and are visible in every room, including bathroom...you are always present...you were, you are and always will be important part of our life - for me and Matthew...not only a chapter...Nicola gave me those 2 great dvd's I keep watching all the time all over again...those stories there are like our story somehow..."P.S. I love you" (with Siobhan's favorite man - Gerard Butler) and "The Holiday" with C Diaz, K Winslet and the others - what great films...and I keep watching my favorite programs with proffesor Brian Cox(as you have called him "your man, Hanna")...He is amazing indeed...Always loving you Peter - Hanna and Matthew